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Funny Jokes

439 clean jokes to share.

Lawyer Should

Q: What can a goose do, a duck canot, and a lawyer should?A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Crying Shame

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat.

Thats A Shame

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "thats a shame")?A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

The Bucket.

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?A: The bucket.

Over A Lawyer

Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?A1: Back over him to make sure.A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.

Cut The Rope

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?A: Cut the rope.

Lawyer From Drowning

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.A2: Take your foot off his head.A3: Excuse me, I don´t understand the point of the question.

A Waste Of Cement

Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?A. A waste of cement.

Not Enough Sand.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?A: Not enough sand.

Dead Skunk

Q: Whats the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Lawyer Is Lying

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?A: His lips are moving.

5000 Dead Lawyers

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?A: A good start!

I Brought My Screwdriver

Things You Dont Want to Hear Your System Administrator Saying:
NO! Not that button!Do you smell something? I have never seen it do that before...Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST! What do you mean you needed that directory? Where did you say those backup tapes were kept? The drive ate the tape but thats OK, I brought my screwdriver. I cleaned up the root partition and now theres lots of free space

Users Are Losers

You Might Be a Computers Support Technician if...
when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP
number.
you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
you look for the undo command after making a mistake.
you disdain people who use low baud rates.
you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
you see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to
drugs.
you know without a doubt that diskettes come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch
sizes.
you have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better --
the track ball or the track pad.
you are zen-like in your acceptance of users, realizing that there is no limit to the depths of
cluelessness, and yet you help them anyway.

That Was Just The Demo

Bill Gates died. He was sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room. He was met by St. Peter, who asked
him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell, and if hed like to see them before he decided. Bill
said yes, and St. Peter snapped his fingers. They appeared on a sunny beach, with people dancing,
swimming, and playing volleyball. Just basically having a wonderful time. Good food, good music,
good people. Bill turns to St. Peter and says, "Wow, Heaven is great!" St. Peter says, "This
isnot Heaven, its Hell. Want to see Heaven?" Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady
park, with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A gentle breeze blows by, and all
is quiet and serene. St. Peter asks Bill, "Well, which would you like?" Bill thinks for a minute,
and says, "Well, if this is Heaven, then Ill take Hell." Instantly, he was plunged up to his
neck in red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his ears. He looks up, and sees
St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill calls out to him, and said, "Hey! Whats going on? Wheres
the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?" St. Peter turns from his Macintosh to face Bill,
and says, "That was just the demo.

Daddys Password

While my friend was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up
behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I
know Daddys password! I know Daddys password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Computers Are Like Men...

Computers are Like Men...
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have
had a better model.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Computers are Like Women...
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly its wrong.